The Death and the Grammarian

Act one: Scene one

(*No rigid stage arrangement: enters death in his full regalia with grime, looks grim and grinning...*)

 Death: I'm the erroring in human history, I strike in will. I'm the way every soul must passed , they accuse that I kill whereas I don't. I only grab what I love because I am jealous. I read somewhere that "the reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity - it's envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can". Yes it's true, I'm jealous. ( *he grins*). I've grab Professors, Doctors, Engineers, Pharmacists, Accountants, who else...?

( *Enters briskly a Grammarian, nibbling the tip of his pen as he ruminates... *)

Grammarian: What I've read has made me a grammarian. Just speak and I'll pass grammatical judgements. I know English Grammar. I've degrees in English. I'm very relevant to life, I spot and correct errors in human communication..

(*He sights Death slouching across, he voices his disgust for his dress*)

Grammarian: Hey man, you look repugnant and unkempt, you're an ogre, it doesn't augur well to come across you this morning, you're an error... 

Death : How unlucky you are to have see me!
Grammarian: Oh man, you should rather say " how unlucky you are to have seen me! ". Speak good English man.

Death: Anybody that see me is dead already. I've being doing this for age.. 
Grammarian : That's incorrect in English, say 'whoever sees me is dead already'. And "I've been doing this for ages". Stop making errors in English, please

Death : (*shocked*) You know well that I'm a error, so therefore, I will kill you right away. Nobody see death and leave. 

Grammarian: Oh you're an error, you cannot kill me. I'm a grammarian, I spot and correct errors, therefore you cannot harm me. I've seen you and I'll live. 

Death: (*feels defeated*). I'll kill you, if not now, later, you cannot leave forever, death is never a liar.

Grammarian: (*boastful*) As long as you're an error, you cannot kill me as I will always spot and render you powerless through correction. (*The Grammarian wins!*)

Scene Two:

(*Enters Death, looks rueful and disturbed, he rants...*)
Death : I've never miss a target, it have never happen to me. Who is a Grammarian to stop me? . I'll kill him definitely... (*tilts his head to remember something*) Yes, this is a way!.I'll send my henchman to him,Hunger will do the job perfectly.
(*He calls on Hunger who appears immediately*)

Death: I've a job for you, I want to you to visit the grammarian, no matter how he eat, continue to beat him as though he has never eat, then I will do the needful. Go right away and do your job.

(*Grammarian reclines on his chair in sombre silence, famished and forlorn... nibbling his fingers to keep the mouth busy*.)
Grammarian: Why am I so hungry like this?. My clients are reluctant to pay despite the mammoth of errors I corrected in their texts. They always retort that 'English is not my mother tongue, I'm not Òyìnbó'. That's demeaning, they don't know the status of English in the world. Anyway, I need to do brace myself, I have to eat a sumptuous meal. (*The hunger is so intense that it's affecting the senses of the Grammarian, then enters death as a Gnome *) 
(*The Grammarian has lost his sense of perception, he cannot spot any filth at the moment*) 
Gnome: Hey you, why are you so restless? 
Grammarian : My friend, I am peckish. It's been bad. 
Gnome: What's peckish? 
Grammarian : oh, it means I'm hungry. 
Gnome: oh sorry, I have bread here, take it 

(*The Grammarian collects the bread, it this case, he collects and eats Ekuru from the Gnome * "Ó gbà ekuru jẹ lọ́wọ́ ẹbọra). 

(*Gnome changes to Death, and remarks*), "How terrible is wisdom when it brings no profit to the man that is wise! " 

End note :
1.The fist quote is from Yann Martel's Life of Pi. 
2. The second quote is from Sophocle's Oedipus Rex
3. "Ekuru" is a meal made with crushed beans. 
4. The death speaks mangled English because he has never received formal education.

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